When we think about an upcoming family gathering, we might start feeling tension in our bodies. The anticipated words. The awkward conversations. The unresolved conflicts. The painful memories. Surely, we could find an excuse to miss the trip, but eventually we’ll see them. Avoidance doesn’t resolve the problem.
Conflicts remind us that we can’t control other people, but we can choose to respond in a way that honors God. For the sake of the gospel, we pursue peace whenever possible, trusting in God’s perfect judgment (Romans 12:17-21). James 1:19-20 warns against anger that displeases God. Rather, we are to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. We start with evaluating our anger to avoid hypocrisy and bitterness.
Evaluate our Anger
The culture distorts a biblical view of anger by highlighting behavioral problems. For example, if you’re yelling, cursing, hitting, or throwing objects, then you have an anger problem. Throughout the Bible, God looks at the heart rather than Pharisaical obedience.
In Matthew 5:21-22, Jesus says these convicting words; “You have heard that it was said to our ancestors, Do not murder, and whoever murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you, everyone who is angry with his brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Whoever insults his brother or sister will be subject to the court. Whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be subject to hellfire.”
According to Jesus, anger in our heart is subject to judgment. Avoiding sinful words is good but not enough. Jesus emphasizes the heart, which includes our attitudes, thoughts, and desires. When a family member insults us, we might be tempted to sin in our words and actions. Our response reveals our hearts, so we need God’s help to guard our hearts. Hence, a biblical view of anger condemns the less obvious sins, such as the silent treatment, cold stares, or avoidance behavior.
Righteous anger does exist, but our anger tends to be unrighteous most of the time. Jesus never sinned. For example, Jesus displayed righteous anger when he overturned the tables of the moneychangers (Mark 11:15). His anger was not selfish but for God’s glory. We, however, tend to be angry about what we want and when we want it. If we are angry for righteous reasons, such as mistreatment of others, then we will do what’s right in God’s eyes by seeking biblical advice for wisdom. It might mean walking away from a foolish person or confronting the sin. We need wisdom to interact with people without enabling their sins.
Prepare our Heart
In preparation for Thanksgiving, pray for God to help you see family members as people created in the image of God. It’s tempting to criticize people without realizing that their greatest problem is not knowing Jesus as their Savior. People can be difficult, but Jesus commands us to love our enemies, even those who persecute us! It refers to doing good to them, treating them kindly, and praying for them (Luke 6:27-28). Sharing the gospel is one of the greatest ways to do good unto others. Pray for their salvation, knowing that only the Holy Spirit can transform their hearts. Sometimes, we expect non-Christians to act like Christians, and that expectation sets us up for disappointment and frustration.
What if that person claims to be a Christian but acts like a non-Christian? This situation might be more painful, especially if the person grew up in the church or knows a lot about the Bible. We still pray to God, who knows the heart. Pray for this person’s repentance. We pray because we are dependent on the Holy Spirit to convict people of their sins. If we stop praying, then it indicates that we have given up on God to work in this person’s life. Think of a couple of persons who could pray for you and encourage your faith.
We are better prepared for trials when we’re walking by the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-17). The Holy Spirit is the source of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). We sin with our words when we lack self-control (Proverbs 10:19).
If we’re not consistently reading Scripture and praying, we are more vulnerable to following our emotions and committing sin. Consider meditating on any of the Scripture verses shared in this article or other ones that are helpful. When emotions are strong, we need God’s truth for perspective on what matters in life. In addition, try to get good rest before the gathering. Being tired makes it harder to be patient and kind.
Speak the Truth in Love
Biblical wisdom requires knowing what to say and how to say it. We speak the truth in love because we care. Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Better an open reprimand than concealed love. The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” Rebuking someone is a way of showing our love when our motives are good. For example, if someone is making a bad decision or acting carelessly, we should share our concerns for their good and remember that we’re not responsible for their actions. Similarly, we can appreciate a wound from a friend because we know the intention behind it. If a family member speaks the truth in love, are we willing to listen? Wisdom is knowing the difference between genuine care and insincere words.
A practical suggestion is to write down potential responses so that we’re not reacting impulsively. Ask someone to review it for feedback. Also, pay attention to the tone of voice and choice of words. If a private conversation is needed, attempt to meet at a separate time when it’s not rushed.
Trust God for Peace
Christians can experience God’s peace even when reconciliation does not happen. Reconciliation requires both persons to seek peace, but forgiveness is an individual choice. If there’s anger towards someone, then we need to ask God’s help to forgive that person. We trust in God’s righteous judgments and let God be the Judge. Thanksgiving may be a time of turmoil, but it is possible to leave the family gathering with less regret when we seek God’s wisdom for peace.
