When serving on the mission field, you often grapple with issues in a much different way than you would in a local American church. I remember, in seminary, wrestling with the idea of “the husband of one wife” and whether a man who had been divorced could serve as a pastor or deacon. Then I became a church planter in Central Africa, and the landscape completely changed. While polygamy is not as prevalent in Zambia as in some other African countries, it is still quite common, and the “husband of one wife” statement hits a lot closer to home.
A Complex and Complicated Question
The struggle is how to counsel those who are practicing polygamists after they come to Christ. What does this mean for their family, and how do they move forward? The answers are not as clear as you might think. Life is complex, and, as sinful people, we are adept at making a complicated mess of things. If the husband sends the other wife (or wives) away, there is a chance she will not be able to return to her home village and will turn to prostitution to support herself. What if there are children involved? Typically, a man takes a second wife because his first wife is barren. When he comes to Christ, does he stay with the wife of his youth and chase the second wife away? Who will be a father to his children? How do you counsel polygamists to have godly Christian homes going forward?
Then there are deeper theological questions. In the eyes of God, can you really be married to more than one woman at a time? If God’s plan is one man with one woman until death, does that mean that the other wives are actually wives, or are they women that he is just cohabitating with? This also prompts the question of what makes a marriage and what is required to move from “living together” to marriage. We would likely say that it requires a covenant commitment publicly entered before God and witnesses. I quickly learned that in some cases, these other wives were not even wives in the African sense. No negotiations had occurred with the second wife’s family, and no bride price had been paid. There had been no ceremony, and the relationship was one of convenience, yet they liberally used the title wife.
Needless to say, complicated is an understatement.
Should I Stay…
Missionaries have been wrestling with these prickly issues for centuries. Typically, they will take one of two tacks. Some advise the polygamous man who comes to Christ to stay in that situation. Utilizing 1 Corinthians 7:10-17, where Paul counsels the believer to not leave an unbelieving spouse, they feel this text can also apply to the case of polygamy. They recognize those other wives as genuine wives and say that divorce is a greater sin than polygamy. For the sake of his wives and many children, he should remain in the state he is already in but avoid taking any new wives. Of course, this position comes at a cost. For one, he can never be a leader in the local church because he is not the husband of one wife. What this position does not address is the fate of the women. What if it is the second wife who is saved and not the husband? Is she to stay in a polygamous relationship and share her bed with someone who has other wives? What if she wants to enter a biblical marriage, but the man she lives with is not sympathetic?
…Or Should I Go?
The second common approach is to view polygamy as actually a man with one wife and multiple concubines. Every situation is different, but often the other women have a lower status than the first wife, and they are called wives, though none of the biblical or cultural avenues for marriage have been pursued. Missionaries who think this way will often counsel polygamous men to do all they can to be devoted to the wife of their youth, but mitigate the negative consequences as much as possible.
If the woman has no children and can return to her parents’ home, they will encourage that. However, if she cannot return home or has children, the man is counseled to build another house on his property and treat her like he would a sister in the Lord. He should support her, care for his children, and treat her with love and respect, but he should not live with her as a wife or be intimate with her.
This approach has worked, but it is also fraught with complications. Does this mean she is now resigned to a life of celibacy and can never remarry, while he enjoys the wife of his youth? How do they manage the temptations of being in the same location, but no longer being intimate?
The main thing this taught me is that life is complicated, sin is devastating, and answers are not simple. We often make a mess of things and then come to a missionary (or our pastor) and say, “Help me figure out how to untangle this massive knot that I created!” I have my biblical opinions about polygamy, but like all things, only God has the solution.
The Story of Friday
Then there was Friday. I had been deeply involved in planting a new church in his village. Friday was one who came to Christ, and his life was radically changed. Friday also had two wives. The first wife was not a believer, but his second wife soon became a Christian also. As he grew in his faith, he became increasingly uncomfortable with his family life. He became convinced that polygamy was a sin and that he should not stay in that situation.
One day, he walked several miles to my home and called out the typical “Hodi!” I went outside, greeted him, and welcomed him into our sitting room. My wife rushed off to prepare food for him, and we chatted about everything. I asked about his cows, his fields, his health, and his family as was customary. After twenty minutes of chatting, his countenance changed, and he came around to his issue. He told me about his marriage situation and how he wanted to please God and be “the husband of one wife.” He presented his tangled knot to me and wanted me to magically untangle it. I told him, “Brother, this is a hard one.”
I rehearsed for him those two historical approaches people have taken and then walked him through the consequences of each decision. His final answer was that he knew God had told him to be with the wife of his youth, but he didn’t know how he would do that because he did not want to hurt his second wife. I then shared a truth that has haunted me since that day. I said, “Friday, I know that God wants us to be holy more than even we want it. I have found in my life that if I really trust God with the messes I have made, and am willing to do whatever He asks, God will somehow make a way.” I was thinking back to times when I couldn’t pay my bills, yet God was asking me to tithe and practice good stewardship. I chose the hard thing: to give rather than pay my electric bill or buy groceries, and God always came through in ways that can only be described as miraculous. I believe it is a principle to live by. Do what God tells you; make the hard choices, and even though it might be painful and prolonged, God will eventually untangle the mess you created. I prayed for him, and he left.
A few weeks later, Friday returned to my home to tell me his second wife had passed away. I was shocked. He said that she had gone through a season of deep intimacy with God and that she had started going from village to village preaching that people should repent. She told people that God had told her she would see Him in heaven very soon, and that she should witness to everyone she knew as quickly as possible, so she did. Some thought she was not in her right mind, but Friday was convinced it was God. After a week of proclaiming the Gospel, she passed away. He came to say, “God has answered our prayers.” I was shocked and tried to reason with him, telling him he might have it wrong. He answered and said, “No, don’t you see, pastor. My second wife and I prayed for God to solve our family’s problems, no matter the cost. Now the one who is not saved is still living, and the one who loved Jesus more than anything is with Him. It cost her life, but I am now the husband of one wife.” When I attended this lady’s burial, I discovered that the first wife also placed her faith in Jesus because of these events.
Polygamy…and You
In hindsight, I am not entirely sure what to make of this story, but I do know that there are no easy answers to the issue of polygamy, except to avoid it altogether. Likely, you’re not in a polygamous marriage. There are, however, plenty of sticky issues we also find in our Western world. Being born again doesn’t always alleviate the consequences of prior sinful actions. Sometimes the consequences of our poor choices are relationships damaged beyond repair, our health wrecked by addiction, or finances flattened by greed.
We all come to God longing to be holy, but with no idea how to become so, just like Friday and his second wife. They believed in a God who was big enough to do whatever it took to make His children holy and witnesses for Him. They didn’t question whether God would behave in a way that made sense to them or to their worldview. Instead, they were willing to believe that God could make a way where there is no way, and that He might ask something of them that would require faith to give. Maybe He would ask them to separate forever. Maybe He would ask them to live in separate houses on the same property, but never enjoy married intimacy. Maybe Friday would be married, alone, to an unbelieving wife for the remainder of his days. God could have asked so many different things of them, and they were willing to follow whatever He asked.
Are you?
Life is complicated, and sin is very, very messy. Regardless of what we think about polygamy and the specifics of Friday’s story, we can agree that Friday and his second wife are a humbling example of seeking God for solutions we cannot imagine. Sometimes—often times!—the answers are not black and white, but the truth is if you trust Him and are willing to do whatever He asks, He can sort out your life. That’s the key to untangling our tangled messes.
