Textbooks are often helpful for broadening our understanding of a subject. But sometimes they change our lives forever.
I basically grew up at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. My family moved to Fort Worth in 1978 when my father began his tenure as a professor of New Testament. My childhood included great memories of learning to play racquetball at the RAC (Recreation and Aerobics Center) and growing up with other professors’ kids. By the time I was in college, I sensed God’s call on my life to ministry. It was an easy decision to return home to SWBTS. I enthusiastically began working on my MDiv in the fall of 1992.
There were several classes that had a big impact on me. Philosophy of Religion with Dr. Steve Lemke, New Testament with Dr. Curtis Vaughn, and Introduction to World Missions with Dr. Bud Fray, to name a few. But there was one class that surprised me with its impact on my life. I did not see it coming.
It was a class on relationships and counseling with Dr. Ray Clendenning. He was a family friend, so I enjoyed chatting with him personally after class. His lectures were helpful, but the most unexpected benefit to me was the class textbook, Caring Enough to Confront by Dr. David Augsburger. The thesis of the book is simply that if we truly care about people, we will be willing to lovingly work through any conflict.
And in the first year of our marriage, my wife and I put Dr. Augsburger’s thesis to the test.
A Marriage Made in Unrealistic Expectations
It began back in my college days at Hardin-Simmons University in 1988. That was the year I met the most amazing woman on the planet–Suzanna McCurdy. We started dating a few years into college and got married in the summer of 1992. I fell incurably in love with every aspect of that beautiful woman.
But as we moved into seminary to begin the 1992 fall semester, I slowly began to realize that as much as we were in love, we had a long way to go. We were both raised in Christian homes, with strong relationships with our parents. But that didn’t mean we were naturally gifted at resolving conflict. If anything, our well-adjusted childhood homes gave us unrealistic expectations. Neither of us had any idea what was ahead. As I look back on it now, it makes me laugh, but we were not always laughing back then.
We expected smooth sailing from the beginning. We didn’t realize that our unspoken plan was to avoid even minor conflict at all costs.
Field Testing My Newfound Wisdom
So back to the book! Augsburger said that conflict is something normal, natural, and potentially helpful at building intimacy. The book encouraged couples to avoid defensiveness and develop the courage to lovingly, gently bring up concerns with one another. Augsburger also encouraged couples to avoid the tendency to blame one another.
I was fascinated with these concepts and tried to apply what I was learning to our marriage. This was entirely new territory for me. I incessantly talked about what I was learning. Suzy patiently listened. Everything was fine until I appointed myself the Chief of the Communication Police Force.
Sometimes Suzy and I spoke to one another differently than the book suggested. And I knew that when that happened, I needed to use my newly minted status as the CCPF. I was more than ready to use this new plan. With great excitement, I rather quickly pointed out the right way to talk. I was proud of myself for navigating us on this path.
One day we were having a rather small disagreement in our little apartment in seminary housing . To this day, neither of us can remember what we were discussing. She said something that was not aligned with the Augsburger way. Unfortunately, I continued to be a little “rulesy” with the communication procedures I was learning from the book. I put on my CCPF hat, and began.
But in the obviously superior way I’d learned from my first year of seminary expertise, this self-appointed Conflict Czar said something to her along the lines of, “Honey, we’re not supposed to talk to each other like that. Remember my textbook?”
My dear bride of less than a year looked me right in the eye and said, “I don’t care about your stupid books!”
Well. Well. Well.
My self-righteousness must have set her off. I remember being surprised. There was no section in my trusty book about what to do when this happens.
For one long moment we stared at one another. And just as suddenly we both fell apart in laughter! We have smiled and cracked up about that moment for 33 years now. Eventually Suzy appreciated those “stupid books” more than she let on.
Growing Together, through Conflict
By God’s grace, our communication improved in the months ahead. We both could see that many of the new ideas for communicating were helpful. When we had an area of conflict to bring up, we aimed to ease into it gently, but surely. We tried to see that bringing up our concerns to one another was actually a compliment to the value we put on our relationship. I tried to respond to Suzy’s concerns with something along the lines of, “Suz, thanks for caring about me enough to bring that up. Let’s talk about it!” Slowly, we learned to hear each other out and be quick to not show offense when our pride was pricked.
For years we have told the stories of the lessons we learned from that book over three decades ago. Both of us have used some of the strategies in that book in marriage counseling. It has been especially encouraging for new and/or engaged couples. We encourage couples to do the “heavy lifting” early in their marriage so they can build a foundation of trust.
We are happy to report that when you work hard at this early on, it pays off with untold dividends of marital bliss for years to come.
